The Funny Side of Life

A Few Jokes

Don't take things too seriously....

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast."

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I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers

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When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

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Last month the UNO held a worldwide opinion poll. The question was “Please give us your truthful opinion over solution to the nutrition scantity in the rest of the world.”
The poll turned out, not surprisingly, to be a big flop:
The participants in Africa didn’t know what “nutrition” was.
Eastern Europe didn’t know what “truthful” was.
Western Europe didn’t know the word “scantity”.
The Chinese didn’t know what “opinion” was.
The near East asked what „solution“ meant.
South America didn’t know the meaning of „please“.
And no one in the USA knew what „the rest of the world“ was.

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A shepherd is herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advances out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray-Ban Sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out of the window and says to the shepherd: "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looks at the man, who is obviously a yuppie, then turns To his peaceful, grazing flock and calmly answers, "OK, why not?"
So the yuppie parks his car, whips out his IBM Thinkpad, connects it to his mobile phone, surfs the Internet and finds a NASA site. Then, using the web site, he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system and scans the area. Next he opens up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas and after a few minutes he prints out a 150-page report on his high-tech, miniaturised printer. Eventually he turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep."

"That's correct," says the shepherd. "You can take one of the sheep."
He watches as the young man selects one of the animals and bundles it into his car, then says: "Hold on a minute, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"
"OK, why not?" answers the young man. "That's easy," says the shepherd, "You're a consultant." "That's spot on," says the yuppie, clearly amazed, "but how did you guess that?"

"There was no guessing required," answers the shepherd. "You turned up here, even though nobody called you. You expect to get paid to give me an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't even know a thing about my business. Now give me back my dog."

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Baby Bear goes down to breakfast and sits in his small chair and looks into his small bowl. It is empty "Who's been eating my porridge" he says and starts to cry.
Daddy Bear arrives in the room sits in his large chair and looks into his large bowl. It is empty "Who's been eating my porridge" he roars.

Mummy Bear stick her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and shouts:
"For Christ's sake how many times do I have to tell you idiots? It was mummy bear who got up first, it was mummy bear who woke up everybody in the house, it was mummy bear who made the coffee, it was mummy bear who emptied the dishwasher and put everything away, it was mummy bear who went out in the pouring rain to get a paper, it was mummy bear who set the damn table, it was mummy bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled its water and food bowls, and now you two have decided to drag your sorry selves down here and grace my kitchen with your grumpy miserable presence, so listen up as I will only say this one more time...... I HAVEN'T MADE THE PORRIDGE YET!!!

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