The Power of Patchwork: the risks and rewards

The Risk

The risk was almost overwhelming: bringing five children from two different families together and hoping it would work. It could have completely backfired on us... but, it didn't, and today we consider ourselves lucky with our large family.

Due to our weekly squash games the children already knew each other well. Mike and Robin were firm friends, one often staying overnight with the other. The main problem we saw was the eight-year age difference between Wolf and Natalie and the fact that there was one little girl - an unheard of thing for Albert's two boys, and poor Natalie would have to contend with four "brothers" instead of two!

We took the first risk in April 2002 when we decided to take all five children to Center Parcs in Holland for a week's holiday. It was make or break – either it works out or we have a BIG problem. We were nervous of the children's reaction and how they would all cope being together in a small bungalow for a whole week – and not only that: we had never been together constantly for that amount of time ourselves, and then with all the children too. Maybe we would be tearing each other's throats out after a couple of days.
But, against all odds it was a great holiday and the start of our believing it could work.

Although we had no plans of moving in together we wanted to spend time together but that meant, of course, with the children. Every second weekend the children were at the respective ex partners', but the weekends, when we were looking after them, were spent together at Albert's house. Slowly but surely the children got used to being together. A whole year of weekends and school holidays being spent together was almost like a trial run for the real thing.

Making room

At first there was no real bedroom for Kevin and Natalie in Albert’s house, and the two "Heinel boys" were not too happy about having the little ones in their rooms, so they slept on the guest beds next to our room. During the course of the year it became accepted that the little ones too, could run about the house as they wished. It was understandable as Wolf and Robin had lived their entire lives as the only children in the house, so were not used to other children having any rights in "their" territory, but it was important that all the children were to feel at home with no one child having superior rights.

After we seriously started thinking about moving in together we had to make enough room to cater for all the children. Wolf and Robin already had their own bedrooms, we refurbished Albert's mother's old bedroom for Mike and Kevin and halved the lounge, which we never used, by erecting a wall, to make a room for Natalie. We also re-decorated Wolf's and Robin's rooms to make sure that they also had something "new".

We had many talks with the children about the move and whether they were really happy about it. Robin and Mike were adamant about it. In fact Robin's reaction, and the close relationship that had developed between he and I, certainly helped us make it possible.

We were a little worried about Wolf, he was quite a loner and spent a lot of time on his own in his room. How would he cope with small children constantly in the house? It was almost as if we had to ask his consent, he being the oldest child, but it turned out that our fears were unfounded. The children squabble occasionally of course but no more than any other real brothers and sisters do.

The children's feelings on the matter were very important to us and we spent a lot of time listening to what they had to say. After all, without them the whole idea wasn't even worth thinking about.

Taking the plunge

We took the plunge in March 2003. It took a short while for the "Szesch children" to settle in, after all: they had only lived in our old appartment for one year and every single weekend was either spent at their father's or with Albert and I at the house, but after not too long they felt very much at home.

It certainly wasn't easy: We now had five children to look after, and a complication. Albert's ex-wife also lived in the house, in the top floor apartment, with her boyfriend, and the two boys had to keep to a routine of divided mealtimes. Three breakfasts, two lunches and two or three evening meals a week were spent upstairs with their mother and her partner and the rest of the time with us. It wasn't easy for the boys, as they often had no idea where they were supposed to be eating.

Albert's ex made my role for the two boys especially difficult as, understandably, we didn't exactly have a very friendly relationship. If I had to chide the odd wrong doing, it was easy for them to run to their mother and be cosseted, which often happened with Robin. I had fully expected to share looking after the two boys but as it turned out, apart from the afore-mentioned meal times, we did all the rest. Washing, clearing the rooms, buying clothes, buying schoolbooks and accessories, most of the homework control and the hundreds of other duties necessary for teenage boys were left to us.

After two years both boys were so used to Albert and I having the role of "parents" that I believe that was the reason they wished to stay with us when Albert's ex and her partner finally moved out of the house.

After that life became much easier for all of us. The two boys didn't have to have a guilty conscience about happily being with us and didn't have to think about where they were supposed to be having their next meal. The atmosphere in the house was so much more relaxed.
We were able to have complete control of Robin's schoolwork and spent a great deal of time helping him to achieve better results - the last two years had taken their toll on him and he had slipped up badly at school. After only five months there was incredible improvement.

The round table

But, with five children to cater for we have to divide our time. We make it a point to spend almost all our mealtimes at our large table together so we can have our entire family with us and we find it an important and happy time. We designed the table ourselves (because we couldn't find one big enough) and our good friend Thomas Lange made it for us. It's a wonderful, enormous oval table that sits eight to twelve people and the centre point of our family life. At lunchtime all the children are asked about their school day, about homework, and the plans for the afternoon are discussed. Whatever everyone is up to in the afternoon, we all meet up again for the evening meal and can talk about our day, discuss any problems or queries or just tell stories and jokes. It is so rewarding seeing five smiling faces around the table and hearing them chatting and laughing.
Quite often we have guest children stay for a meal so it's not unusual for us to have about eight children sitting at the table with us.

Duty day

Around Christmas time last year we thought the children were becoming increasingly lazy and were treating the house like a free hotel, and us as their personal slaves. After all, the children were part and parcel of the bargain but we did not move in together for the sole reason of bringing up five unthankful, children. So we derived a plan: five children, five days in the week – each child was given a "duty" day. Whichever child is "on duty" comes to me after school and helps in the kitchen if I need it, setting the table and making sure enough drink is available. The "duty" child is responsible for making sure the table is completely cleared after the meal, and a few other duties like taking the rubbish out or whatever needs to be done.
The children actually find it a good idea and we are very consequent about it. Obviously the duty-day is occasionally forgotten but there are no moans when gently reminded. They all take it very seriously and I have to say it's a great help and was a good idea.They don't really have to cook though!

At our expense

One thing that still amazes me is the amount of food we get through. Twenty-four litres of milk a week, masses of bread, cold meats, cheeses and fruit. I need twenty bread rolls or two loaves of bread for just one evening meal and of course there's a cooked lunchtime meal for seven every day. I do a weekly shop but can still hardly fit everything into one shopping trolley. Luckily, Robin enjoys coming with me and is often a great help. The cost is enormous and it's not always easy keeping within our budget and making sure that the children have all they need, but I have a great, good value supermarket in the near. I would give anything to have something like Tesco.com here in Hannover though, as the weekly shop is my most hated chore!

(Our ex-partners, who tend to forget that the children live with us and do need to eat and be clothed, are also trying their hardest to make it more difficult: my ex-husband decided to cut the child-alimony payments for my three children to a rather farcical 152 Euros a month for all three, and Albert's ex, who ordered an injunction against him for the ridiculous sum of 3500 Euros a month alimony just for herself, is quite happy to take as much as she can regardless of the fact that Albert alone has to completely cater for his two children.)

All the same, we manage somehow and the children are not too bothered about not having salmon and caviar for tea, and none of us are particularly interested in wearing clothes from Dior, Lezard or Versace!

So although it was certainly a risk taking on the five children, the rewards are undeniable when we see how happy and well adjusted they are. One of the biggest rewards was when Wolf once told us how well suited to each other he thought we were.

Our time

The good point about having ex-partners though, is that the children, or at least the younger ones, are away visiting every other weekend and we can enjoy a little "our time".
The three older children are allowed to decide whether or not they wish to go away for the weekend, but the deal is that if they stay then they must cater for themselves – although we are there to help if needs be.

There are two reasons for this. Firstly, we do need the time as a couple to concentrate on us, to recoup our energy, take the time to follow up on our hobbies or meet up with friends. The second reason is that we think it's very good for the boys to learn how to make a meal and take responsibility for themselves. I always make sure that there are simple provisions for them in the house such as pizza, soup, bread and eggs etc. and they are actually quite happy to play grown-ups for a change. It will stand them in good stead for later at the very least.

Although the risk was enormous Albert and I believe we are a great team together and judging by the reactions of our children we must be doing something right at least. It's definately not all "Waltons" or "Family von Trapp", it's hard work at times and we certainly relish our moments of peace when we get them.

The reward

Quite simple: we are together and we have a great patchwork family.

(In May 2005 Robin decided he did not wish to take part in our family life anymore and moved to his mother.)