An affair to remember
(Deborah Kerr and Cary Grant - everybody knows that film!)

I will be forever thankful to have had the chance to find out what „real love“ is.

Albert and I met in 1999 while I was working evenings in Astro Squash Club. We used to flirt with each other but nothing serious – harmless flirting is a part of the job when you're working behind a bar. (Looking back I realise there was more chemistry between us but I didn't register it at the time.)

It turned out that two of our children - I mean one of Albert's and one of mine - started squash training in the same group so Albert and I were there on the sidelines too, this time both as guests. We drank a cup of coffee together and then said it was a shame to sit around - we could have a game of squash together while were waiting for the children.

So we started to play squash together regularly. At our very first game together I made it perfectly clear that flirting was acceptable if I was behind the bar but the other side is my private life...so no flirting!
So we played squash. Great fun and terrific games. And we started talking.

At first we would spend ten minutes or so after a game cooling down and chatting. The ten minutes turned into a half an hour and then an hour or even more and we became real friends. There were so many subjects that we could talk about, so many similar points of interest. Our liking and respect for each grew but still we did not think of us as anything but friends. One of the nicest parts of it all was the fact that we never felt we had to try to make an impression on the other. There was no getting all dressed up and looking our best - we were all sweaty and red-faced after a strenuous game.

Being anything other than friends was not possible anyway. I was married (not particularly happily) with three young children and a huge sense of morality. Albert was married with two children and a huge sense of family commitment.

I don't know exactly when the friendship turned to something more. I know that our Friday afternoon squash game was becoming more and more important to me and Albert was becoming more and more important to me. I remember once, after we had not seen each other for several weeks because of holidays and such, we met up for a game and I mentioned to Albert that I had missed our games. He looked at me and said, „I have missed you“. I think that's when I just melted.

But still our morals and commitments did not allow us to be anything more than friends. The talks we had grew longer and more intensive and we realised there was something more going on but we could not do anything about it.

That was about the time when I realised that I was not prepared to spend the rest of my life in an unhappy marriage. I knew by then that Albert was the man I should have met and married 20 years ago but I also knew (so I thought) that we would never be able to be together. I decided I would rather live alone with my children. I was so afraid that I would reach eighty years of age and look back on my life and see that I had not really lived at all. See that I spent years and years being unhappy.
It was the hardest thing I ever did to leave with my three children, uproot their lives and tell my husband that I could not live with him anymore. I had to do it to save my own life. I did not want my children to grow up with a bitter, unhappy woman as their mother. I owe my children love, a good home and a good upbringing but I don't owe them my life.

Albert had also started to realise that he could no longer live with his marriage and that we had something very strong together.

I moved into an apartment with my children and started a training course to enable my return into the office working-world after so many years away. Albert moved out of the apartment he shared with his wife but stayed in the house so he could continue to be with his children (it was his house after all and his elderly and poorly mother was also living there so he could not leave) and we continued to play squash and talk - and finally we could become more than just friends.

Although I am writing this lightly we really went through hell. Emotions were running high and there were very ugly scenes with our ex-partners. We talked for hours on end about what had happened to us; why did we find each other at a time when we weren't expecting or wanting anything? Why is it that we felt that we are so suited to each other? Is this the definition of „real love“? We often talked through the night. It was so important for us to analyse our feelings and thoughts. We were so sure but we wanted to be surer and there was one other important question: Did we have the right to disrupt other people’s lives to achieve what we wanted and be together?

The answer for us was "Yes".

You only have one shot at this life. There are no guarantees that life will turn out how you planned it. There are no guarantees that a marriage will last forever. No one knows what life is going to throw at them or who they are going to meet when they turn the next corner Everybody owes it to himself or herself to make the best out of their life. And, I believe that everyone has the right to make a decision based on their own gut feeling of „right“. Sometimes you just have to follow your heart.

I moved in with Albert in March 2003 and there has never been a moment of doubt in my mind that I made the right decision. It has not been easy but every night when Albert holds me in his arms until we fall asleep I have the most wonderful sense of belonging and know that I wouldn't want to be anywhere else in this world.